The Delicious Vicious Cycle...

Forever & a Day

2009-10-15T10:45:27Z

Been a while, hasn't it? I haven't felt the need to blog here, mostly because I'm very happy & quite satisfied in my relationship.

I've been with my lovely lady (I'll call her LL) for over a year now. I won't go on about it being *so strong* or any shit like that. It's just really fucking good right now & I wouldn't mind it lasting well into my golden years.

But... wouldn't you know it. LL absolutely LOVES to fuck a guy in the ass with a strap-on or a handheld or basically anything within reach. This has the earmark of a match made in Heaven.

Except I'm so happy with her that I rarely fantasize anymore.

I'm serious. See, you know how much I love it in the ass. I've gone on & on about it, & I've loosened my sphincter hole quite a bit over the years. I should be bending over & asking for it on a regular basis.

But I'm not. I need that *gay lust* thing. A hunger for dick, a desire to be rammed by hot hard cock, wanting to overflow with jizz from every hole, in order to get worked up over a rubber dong.

That's what's missing.

So why don't I think about it? Basically, I'm scared. My sexuality phases from straight to gay & back again. I can't remember ever feeling bi. What if fantasies about manmeat leave me dissatisfied with LL? I just can't risk it.

Your result for The Sexual HELL Test...

HELL LEVEL 3

Raw score: 86%

There's a special place in Hell for you: the basement penthouse. You scored the nastiest possible score on the Sexual Hell Test. You have no sexual restraint whatsoever. You'll take pleasure however you can get it, and my guess is you get it a lot. If for some reason you don't right now, you will soon, as people in your category only tend to spiral down ever deeper into the abyss of carnality and delicious sin. Congratulations.

I, personally, think that this category is the best. Paradoxically enough, sexual liberation and indulgence can only bring you closer to purity.

AVOID: all but level 3 hellions like yourself. You wouldn't want to ruin anyone, now would you?

Take The Sexual HELL Test at HelloQuizzy

Did I tell you she loves to rim me? I love watching her face disappear behind my balls.

Saturday Night Blew My Mind... Among Other Things

2008-06-13T18:51:54Z

It's been no secret that the last few months have seen my life path pull away from celibacy. I had the married couple threesomes in the fall, then the platonic-to-fuckbuddy-to-platonic friend in the spring.

On top of that were several attempts to actually date a person before thinking of sex, which is the way I wanted to do things, but with no success.

Then I meet A. We met a few months ago on Facebook of all places, in some flirting application. We were on-again-off-again flirts. I was treating the app as a creative writing platform, with the intent to focus 1st on picking up the details of the profile pix & laying down subtle sexytalk geared to disarm & intrigue. Almost like performance art.

About half the time I didn't get any intriguing response; a few of these were no response at all, but most of these were generic cookie cutter flirts with no original material, no creativity, no personal spark. And no further response from me.

The other half of the time I got good responses, either with returned creativity, or at least interest & the feeling like there was some personal investment in continuing the flirt.

Most of these end up playing out into nothing - The Muse does leave eventually - but a few were genuinely interested, or at least seemed to be.

These few were added to my actual FB f-list. And, after about a month, most of them were quietly removed. Two have remained - a crazy young lady from the west coast & a lovely woman who lives about an hour or so away.

The lovely woman, A, intensified her flirts through email. Then she came to visit. We *officially* met in a coffeeshop parking lot, but our close friends know the truth.

It was about midnight & we strolled down to the beach, just off the main drag. Until 9am we talked & listened to the waves & talked some more, & in those quiet moments when there were no passersby, she had many orgasms by my hand.

I told her about all my kinks & she embraced every single one. I believe I have met my match.

About a year ago I happened upon a video of slugs mating & I believed it to be the most erotic & sensuous mating ritual in the animal kingdom. The day after she & I had met & connected & came, completely without warning, she sent me a vid of slugs. I was floored.

Great minds think alike.

Saturday night/Sunday morning was the first emotional+physical connection I've made in about 8 years, & the 1st orgasm I've had in another's presence in about 5 years.

Incredible & promising stuff.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

Email

2008-06-01T18:50:03Z

I've met a guy online who seems nice. There are a lot of *hey, you look good, let's get together & party* notes from mostly men, but I'm not into that.

Then I got a mail from this guy who was very personable. Talks about his day a bit, his recent dalliances, his recent divorce, etc. He sounds like someone who can hold up his end of a conversation. I want to meet him & told him so. I have several pix on my profile - he has none. I gave him my email address so we could communicate without going through the dating site & asked him to send a pic, saying that I don't judge looks, I just need to be familiar with his face for when we meet.

He responded - still within the dating site message system - with his *shyness* as an excuse to not send a pic, & then included his email address, so I have to email him. I am clear on my profile that I switch with women & bottom with men. Bottoming usually means being passive, non? It means a seducer needs to seduce me (which is also clear in my profile). Plus the fact that ignoring my e-addy & including his is evidence of a passive-aggressive control-issue. I can understand that move with a woman because of traditional gender roles, but with another guy? Really?

Do I really want to get into a sitch where I got fucked in the ass last night, but it's not cool tonight, & this guy fucks me anyway because it should still be cool?

This was my response.

Hey (his name deleted)

Sorry I didn't get your message early enough - I spent yesterday helping to preside over a family yard sale, with a really early start, then I was treated to dinner, & when I got home around 10:30 last night I was too whipped to do anything useful.

I've had several threesomes, too. I especially enjoy 3somes with two people of the same gender (I think I mention that in my profile), though I have not yet had two men at once. If it happens, it happens; if not, it doesn't - no biggy to me.

I can understand the shyness. I was really hesitant about putting my face up in my profile. I can tell when people recognize me from it (I think the (physical trait deleted) really gives me away cuz it's rather distinctive). I am aware that I could meet violence or at least prejudice from posting my pic, but they say He Who Dares Wins, so I dared.

Maybe you're prominent in the community, or maybe you're insecure about a cleft palate scar, or a lazy eye, or chronically bad hair. As I mentioned previously - I don't judge. If it's discretion you're looking for, I respect that & can be discreet. If you think you're merely *average looking* & think you'll scare me off cuz you're not *super-hot*, I don't care about that - super-hotness does nothing but increase a person's chances of being a vain jerk.

See, I think I've been messaging with a pretty nice guy, one that I want to meet, but I can't do so if I can't absorb your looks into my visualization of you as a whole person - the outward & the inward. It's evidence of me being slightly neurotic, but that's the way my mindspace works. And I'm going to see you anyway, I'm going to learn what you look like when we meet, so why not a pic?

And I have a strange question/partially an observation. You've finally *got the nerve up* to communicate with a guy who might want to get you naked & suck your cock & maybe let you fuck him, so why not the nerve up to email? Is there a voice in the back of your mind that is getting cold feet, or is just a little hesitant? I do understand if that's the case. I've been there. Hell, I still get there, with men & with women, too - the unknown is strange & can be a little scary. All I can say is I'm a good guy who surrounds himself with good people. If you're a *good people*, you are welcome into my personal space.

(my name deleted)

Am I being too fussy? I think I've been out of high school long enough to not have to deal with a *no, YOU'RE going to contact ME* attitude. Are my fears justified or paranoid?

Last Night at the Strip Club

2008-05-30T22:29:52Z

My platonic friend, my *weekends out of town this past March* friend, talked me into hitting the bar last night. We hooked up with friends, including her bf, & wound up playing pool at an exotic dance club.

95% of the time I can count my visits to strip clubs in 3 or 4 year stints. I don't find anything erotic about the fake vacant smiles or the simulated, going through the motions masturbation that the dancers do onstage. I'm sure I was the only person in the club who was enamoured with & analysing the black dancer's muscular shoulders & triceps, cuz I've been drawing a muscular female character the last couple of days.

Don't get me wrong - every time I caught a glimpse of a particularly attractive sphincter, I was transfixed. It is the one part of the body that I feel is almost sacred, that the showing of the anus in public approaches being profane because it is such a uniquely personal & erotic body part. I would never consider showing my anus to anyone unless I knew it was a very close, very personal experience.

Ah, but I know that's just me - there are people who get just as worked up over well-manicured toenails.

But I digress. My platonic friend got really drunk & really flirtatious with the dancers, who welcomed the attention. And in those moments when there weren't any dancers around, she was either all over her bf or all over me. He must have been drunkish, too, cuz he didn't seem to mind.

She was getting very personal, too, with her face up close in mine & talking seductively, rubbing the butt end of her pool cue up the crack of my ass, & generally giving me a bit of a chubb.

At one point she spoke very loudly about how she & I need another *(my hometown) weekend* & hey, didn't I have great memories of her saying *I'm a snake - watch my ass as I slither down these stairs*? (which WAS very hot - I'm getting a chubb right now as I reminisce)

I of course agreed & said something like *(platonic friend's name), I'm getting a hard-on AND your bf is within earshot - maybe we should change the subject*.

She looks over at him, who was luckily looking the other way & the music was thankfully loud. *Oh yeah - okay - hee-hee-hee*.

So, last night was the 1st time I had EVER sat in Pervert's Row. How uncomfortable. I ended up standing against the wall for the last dancer. I don't know what was into my platonic friend last night. Maybe she was ovulating? (I swear I don't mean that in a sexist way - but some women are slaves to their ovulations the way some men are to their erections) As her bf was checking out the last dancer, she came up & put her arms around me yet again & I couldn't help but ask her permission to cop a feel of her ass while her bf's attention was averted.

Without hesitation she consented.

*sigh*

So, I might have a date with a new guy this weekend. Never did get busy with the last guy (you would have been told all the succulent details by now if I had). But it's always beers & get-to-know-ya chat the first meeting, without exception, no matter how much I want to give head.

Watch Out For the Gay Juice

2008-05-23T21:35:00Z

That date with a guy went decently - talked about a lot of subjects over a lot of beer. But has anything happened since, besides a lot of emails & several broken dates?

Nope. Meh. The Gay has left me for the time being anyway. The Sin Juice from the Gay Gland in following comic strip must have exhausted it's supply. Am I in a period of saving it up again? Critical mass means I'll need cock again, or a cock-like substitute.

Even MORE Nosiness

2008-04-17T05:12:10Z

Don't you long for the days when I would just talk about anal sex?

Continuing to Stick My Nose In

2008-04-16T21:19:49Z

Am I being an asshat, or do I actually have a point?

Funny -AND Interesting- Animated Vid

2008-04-16T20:26:58Z

(This embed was built for myspace. I played with the code to get the window larger, but I couldn't eliminate it's need to scroll. If I cared enough I'd find an LJ embed to compare, but you know how to scroll a window, right?)

(And, of course, this doesn't address my being the eldest child in my family, & the eldest grandchild on my mother's side, or that I discovered my ambiguousness in my mid-twenties. Pfft - whatever. Smarter people than I will figure that shit out.)

I'm Always Sticking My Nose In

2008-04-16T09:13:59Z

I love www brawls. The blacked-out name in the screencap below, c'est moi.

Also: I think I'm pursuing (or allowing myself to be pursued by) a gentleman about 13 years my senior.

Yay Bible!

2008-04-15T07:42:37Z

Taken from International Day Against Homophobia on facebook (psst - I'm planning to wear red).

(If you're not on FB, try http://homophobiaday.org/)

I kinda wish this dude was a better actor. But you can't have everything.

I bare my boy parts & say: Inflate Here.

I Tried to Date

2008-04-12T21:38:34Z

One night not too long ago two of my friends talked me into going out to the bar. I generally don't really like bars - too much testosterone & straight-guy machismo & faux bi-girlie making out to attract the machismos. Not to mention the Base Boys who come in from Borden with their holier-than-thou attitude about scoring. We won't talk about that - I understand the mindset & why it's necessary for military to have it, but it doesn't mean my civilian ass has to like it.

So, we go out for beers & dance a bit & this woman comes in the door & flies past us like a woman on a mission. She wasn't there long before she starts for the exit, stopping for just a moment to ask my friend where a good place to dance is. My friend has such charm that she keeps her with our small clique 'til the end of the night.

New friend & I get introduced. New friend & I talk the bartender into serving us pints after last call. New friend & I make a real connection, causing her to give me her email address, insisting that I don't wait *that bullshit 48 hours* before using it.

I went home, drunk off my ass, & emailed her. She, when she got home & still drunk off her ass, emailed me back.

Small digression: my friend, the charming one, ended up taking her home where they ate each other's pussies. New friend orgasmed, my friend didn't. My friend is having an extremely difficult time accepting her attraction to women, & felt incredibly guilty for both seducing the young lady that I had a keen interest in & cheating on her bf again. *rolls eyes*

I will also state now that I have a psychological block of some sort where, if I connect with a woman on an intellectual level, any thought of eroticism is eliminated from my mind. Not to say that the women I've dated haven't been intelligent, just that talking about the ecosystem & philosophy & spirituality doesn't give me a hard-on.

This young lady was different. Don't ask me why.

But we're at different points in our lives. We're both looking for a partner, but I'm settled & she's about to embark on an exploration of the world, literally. She wants to live in Toronto within an inexpensive cabride to Pearson so she can hop on a plane at the merest whim.

I can't help but let that add to my admiration of her, but it broke my heart just a little. Just a little. My heart had not yet begun to open, but the disappointment took a few days to adjust to.

And so I've been messaging with a couple of guys who, so far, are seeming cool. Or cool enough. I'll admit it: I'm lonely. I want to be touched sexually & be admired for my sex once again after this extended time off. We'll see how it goes.

But, oh, how I wanted to make a sexual connection with her.

I Think My Body's Rebelling

2008-04-10T06:30:55Z

Can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I tried to date a rather lovely young woman recently. And got stuck in the Friend Zone.

Ah, I don't mean it like that, not at all. She is extremely cool & we've talked & we're going to be coffee-&-convo friends, which suits me fine. We're at different places in our lives.

So I shelled out some money for a 3-month subscription to a dating site. I can hear you groan. A friend literally rolled her eyes, but what can I say? I've been lonely.

And now men are coming out of the fucking woodwork. Without my attention fully on the young woman (I wasn't even looking at other women at the time) I'm experiencing a major shift into homoeroticism.

Like, no one will talk to me in person, but when I put up an impromptu headshot, a pic of my smile, a pic of me with my guitar & a pic of my cock (it's *that* kind of dating site), I get deluged with offers.

I'm reeeeeally tempted by one, a male couple looking for a third. I should know better. My last foray into being a third was with a FM couple who had no limits on their assplay (which is fine) AND lacked the good sense to NOT go ass-to-mouth (not at all fine).

There's only one way to find out, isn't there?

Meme

2008-04-08T02:31:04Z

Your Sex Sign is...

You've got a ton of girls and guys trying to get with you!
You're pratically booked up for the next four years.
Not only are you great in bed - you're great at making people feel sexy.
No wonder you're so popular!

Libra, as you probably have noticed, you are always surrounded by scores of admiring suitors.
You are a very accomplished flirt.
Catching you is not for the faint hearted.
Competition is always fierce.

Your innate charm and incredible looks instantly attract - and keep - your lovers.
Old flames and rejected suitors always keep coming back for more.

There is a strong bisexual element in your personality.
You're more likely to be aroused by the same sex than other signs.
In threesomes, you are more likely to prefer that one partner is opposite sex and that the third is same sex.

Your lovers adore you because you are a real ego stroker.
You are eager to please and will do almost anything they ask.

You are a born diplomat, which comes in handy with all of your suitors.
You always win fights too, because your charm is irresistable!

'What is your Sex Sign?'

at QuizUniverse.com

Your Heart is Red and Orange

Your heart is enthusiastic and optimistic.

You are creative, witty, and brilliant.

You bring levity and happiness to relationships.

You're good at loving people for who they are.

What Are the Colors of Your Heart?

Further Thoughts Regarding My Identity

2008-04-08T01:47:02Z

Actually, this is more like a basic overview of more detailed feelings & experiences I've posted about.

(The following is unabashedly copy/pasted from a comment I made in couples_like_us)

I've always been different & treated as such. The people who like me call me the weirdest guy they know.

I was completely straight until homoerotic thoughts crept in during my early/mid 20s. At 29 I embraced the label bisexual, but kept the secret jealously due to working in a factory environment with racist, sexist homophobes.

In my early 30s I rejected *bisexuality* because I came to believe that the only bisexual experience is one in which you don't care which gender you are with when you are horny (I know many bisexual people, but I am not one of them), or you are sexually engaged with both genders at the same time. My rejection is due to me having a very strong sexual feeling toward one gender or another at any given time - if I want a woman I don't want a man, & vice-versa. On those rare occasions when I sleep with a mixed couple is when I am comfortable saying I'm having a bisexual experience, though my attentions are definitely focused on one more than the other while trying to not make the other feel ignored/unattractive.

The POV of that last paragraph is, of course, debatable.

Borrowed From a Friend

2008-04-08T01:30:49Z

The borrowed post:

1. My username is ______ because ______.
2. My name is _____ because ______.
3. My journal is titled ____ because ____.
4. My friends page is called ____ because ____.
5. My default userpic is ____ because ____.

My fill-in-the-blanks:

1. My username is a_sukr_4_nythn because, when the mood is right & the company is good, I am willing/eager to suck on whatever genitalia s/he chooses to expose.

2. My given names are what they are because they were my father's two best men at my parent's wedding. My common name is my middle name because my mother hated my first name.

3. My journal is titled The Delicious Vicious Cycle because sexual exchange is delicious, true passion is vicious, & the spiritual exchange cycles during sex.

4. My friends page is called Givers & Takers, Dick & Cunt Shakers because I feel that statement sums up the physical needs of everyone - you're a giver or a taker or both, & you shake either you dick or your cunt (most people have one, the other or a combination).

And it rhymes.

5. My default userpic is an inflatable female replica's groin with a circle around the pussy with text reading Inflate Here because I think it's funny.

And it's the least offensive userpic I have.

Writer's Block: My Secret Identity

2008-04-07T23:24:56Z

Describe your different personas.

View 500 Answers

Give me a really loud Les Paul & put me onstage with a good band & I'm as bold as bold can be.

Otherwise I'm very shy. I rarely speak first - I am a reactive conversationalist, feeding off what others talk about.

I'm straight-looking & straight-acting. Humility aside, when I sport facial hair I'm seen by many as handsome. The women who are interested in me are looking for a manly man. Same with the men, who hope I top. Looks can be deceiving.

Clean-shaven I'm a little prettier. Straight men don't respect me as much, women generally don't want a pretty man. At 6'1" without footwear, I think I'm assumed to be too tall to be topped. But I long to feel lovely, pretty, effeminate - to put my head on someone's chest & be held & loved.

I read both intellectual fare & pop hits.
I watch gritty, violent, grotesque films & heartwarming dramas & silly comedies & documentaries.
I write about the innocent naïveté of childhood but also explicit sexuality, autobiographical stories but also fantasy.
I enjoy discussing a gamut of topics from philosophy & humanity's relationship with the god consciousness to what makes my most-fulfilling orgasms & what different farts smell like.

I'm both optimistic & cynical. I cannot trust any authority as far as I can spit, because even humans with the best intentions can be unapologizingly corrupted by power.

But I have my friends' best interests in my heart & will do anything in my ability to help someone about, & the only thanks I want, besides a thank-you, is for that person to then extend the same courtesy & helpfulness to someone else when they need it.

Regarding Ungodly Hours

2008-04-05T06:47:39Z

Ungodly hours are the best times to do ungodly things.

This I know from experience.

What is your experience, if you don't mind my asking?

Another Meme, from the Same Source

2008-03-31T05:26:00Z

The Terrible Twos...

Two names you go by:
Big Bitch
Big Man
Two things you are wearing right now:
Beard
Slippers
Two things you want in a relationship:
Dominance
Tenderness
Two of your favourite things to do:
Sexually?
Rim
Swallow
Otherwise?
Learn songs
Write stories
Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
To be dominated while loved
To urinate (sorry... it's the whiskey & soda talking... just a sec...)

Okay.

Two pets you had/have:
One cat
My brother had guinea pigs as a teen & my Mom had fish when we were kids, if that counts
Two people who will fill this out first:
Who cares?
Not me
Two things you did last night:
Helped my bassist learn a song over the phone (told him the chords - he's really talented, but with two very young kids he's strapped for time, so I don't mind giving him a hand)
Researched a story
Two people who live at your house:
I live alone
It is bliss
Two things you ate today:
Cunt
Cock sorry, this isn't fantasyland
Cereal with chocolate soy milk
Onion rings
Two people you talked to last:
The young lady I'm kinda dating
A neighbour who is always a pleasure to talk to, who I wish was gay (he just might be - maybe - but I don't dare ask)
Two things you're doing tomorrow:
Organizing my house with my cleaning lady
Maybe jerking off after that - no real plans
Two longest car rides:
Elmvale, ON to Charlottetown, PEI
Barrie, ON to Chicago, IL
Two favourite holidays:
Canada Day (for the national pride)
New Year's Day (for the spiritual renewal)
Two favourite beverages:
Sweetened coffee
Sodaed scotch

A Meme, Stolen from dishapeaches

2008-03-31T05:02:54Z

1. If you're being extremely quiet, what's it mean?
If it's 1st thing, it means I just woke up & I'm not in the fucking mood.
If I'm behind a closed door I'm probably masturbating.
2. If someone hit you, what would you do?
I stand there & smile & watch them get worried & apologize.
3. Do you still have feelings for your ex?
There's three that could be possible if things were rekindled, but none of them are going to happen in this lifetime, so I don't think about it.
4. Have you ever had a one night stand?
A small handful of them.
5. If so, would you again?
I would, but I'd prefer a relationship.
6. Last time you laughed?
Earlier today.
I laugh every day.
7. Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Yes.
8. Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
No.
9. Have you ever received sexy pictures from someone?
A few friends, the most notable of whom is troublecums :P
I made sexy pics (meaning XXX) with an ex, but destroyed them out of respect when we ended.
10. Do you regret anything from your past?
Many many things.
But I'd change none of them.
How else is one supposed to learn if you don't fuck up sometimes?
11. If you could seek revenge on someone, would you?
You don't know how sorely tempted I am with one particular person... but I never would.
Karma's a bitch.
And success is the best revenge anyway.
12. How do you react when people cry around you?
I'm transfixed by voyeurism & empathetic because I have a large heart.
13. Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand?
Um... I can't remember.
You know, my arm was bumped today by a possible new romance.
I'm going to have to ask her.
14. Last argument?
Online? Earlier today.
IRL? Probably at band rehearsal.
Mom & I hotly debate, but we don't argue, per se.
15. Last kiss? Last HOT kiss?
Loving hot kiss? Too long ago to remember.
Hot kiss while fucking? Last autumn.
16. Would you kiss them again?
No.
And no.
17. Are you jealous of this person?
A little envious maybe, but not jealous.
18. Would you ever strip for money?
If I had the body for it I would have no problem.
19. Do you have a crush?
Oh yes.
20. Do you know how to belly dance?
I'm a voyeur, not a participant.
21. Are you in college?
Been there, done that, got the diploma.
22. What are you listening too?
The PC fan in one ear & the heater fan in the other.
23. Last beverage?
Currently whiskey & soda.
24. Last nap?
Friday afternoon.
Thurs p.m. was a very late night & Fri a.m. a very early rise.
25. Do you own a planner?
I want to be owned by a planner.
26. Favorite month?
They all have potential.
27. Would your parents be mad if you got pregnant?
I think medical science would be amazed.
28. Would your parents be mad if you were in an inter-racial relationship?
Been there, done that.
Mom was worried about the extended family, but there were very... um... PC.
29. Would they be mad if you were gay/lesbian?
Mom is saddened by my ambiguousness, my cousin was surprised but very cool, & no one else knows.
30. What are you doing Saturday?
This coming Saturday? That's way too fuckin' far in the future.
31. Sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?
Today? I was told I *in a way* reminded someone about an old, good friend, but also that I was very unique.
I replied that there could be no higher compliment.
32. Strangest date?
Life is strange.
33. Kiss on the first date?
If it's right.
34. Are you a slut/man whore?
I fantasize about being both.
It'll be true if the technology in the film Strange Days ever exists.
35. Favorite colour?
Black cock.
36. Are you racist?
No.
37. Excited for anything?
My music, art, literature & romantic possibilities.
38. Would you ever steal someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
I unintentionally have in the past & would prefer not to in the future.
39. Last time you were confused?
Any time I try to remember an acquaintance's name.
40. Last time you smiled?
Today.
41. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick?
One of my best friends.
Unfortunately she gets horny way too easily, so I don't ask.
42. Rent a movie or go to movies?
Rent.
Cheaper & burnable.
43. Been to Mexico?
Not interested.
44. Own a gun?
Only the one in my pants.
45. Happy with life?
Of course! Life's too short to not be.
46. Can you legally drink?
My only concern is Are the still serving?
47. Will you be married in the next 2 years?
Hahahaaaaaaa.
Fuck no.
48. Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
Oh yes.
49. Do you believe in karma?
Very much so.
50. Are you taller than 5'5"?
Quite a bit.
6'1".
51. Are you a social person?
Depends on my mood.
52. Do you like coffee?
I would mainline it except, when sweetened, it tastes too good to eliminate the tastebuds from the experience.
53. Would you rather have money or love?
Money's easier to rely on.
But that isn't my answer.
54. Have you ever sat on a roof?
Of a car.
55. Last person you IM’d?
A fellow musician from Toronto.
56. Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
Snooker.
57. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
In your pants or mine?
Note: I drive with my tongue.
58. What's bothering you right now?
How I cannot shift genders at will.
59. Do you hold grudges?
Yesssssssssssss...
See #11.
60. At this very moment what should you be doing?
Writing, drawing or masturbating. In that order.
61. Do you read novels often?
Yes.
62. Are you mad about anything?
I'm mad about semen.
And rimming.
Yup, serious fetish for both.
63.Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
I sing quite well in the car & everywhere else.
64. Have you ever kissed someone that has smoked weed before?
Yes.
65. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
My last kiss on the lips was a friendly farewell from a new acquaintance.
After being impressed with the softness of her lips & curious about how much lipstick she left behind, I wondered if she always gave farewell kisses.
Turns out she does.
A shame - I wanted to be special.
66. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you did?
Too many people to count.
67. How did you meet the last person you kissed?
Doesn't matter - I've already talked to much about who I kissed last.
Now, the very last person who kissed me kissed me very sweetly.
It was a tender peck on the cheek that made my heart flutter.

Epicaricacy

2008-03-31T04:11:12Z

Laughing at someone's pain isn't cruel - it's schadenfreude.

And schadenfreude is fun. It's a Roman holiday, baby, yeah.

Writer's Block: Friends Forever

2008-03-31T02:21:10Z

What do you bring most to a friendship?

View 500 Answers

One seriously fucked up sense of humour.

I Don't Think I'll Be Using It Anytime Soon

2008-03-23T09:53:35Z

Writer's Block: If at first you don't succeed...

2008-03-23T05:38:48Z

What have you tried in life that you just weren't very good at?

View 500 Answers

I once tried to fuck a guy in the ass. Didn't even get it in. There's nothing even remotely erotic *for me* about the way a guy looks when bent over.

To keep me hard, I need to see labia below the sphincter. Just the way my brain is built, I guess.

But when I bend over, that's an entirely different story... :P

My First Memories of Porn

2008-03-23T05:24:00Z

I'm going to tell you more than just the first time I watched a porn. Everyone's got a *my first porn* story, so I want to make mine different.

I only got a glimpse of porn at my best friend's house. It was his Mom's VHS porn - European stuff, usually with incest as the theme. Weird for a hardcore Catholic woman. But she was & still is a cunt, so whatever.

He & I sat in utter silence with our secret erections hiding in our pants as we watched. I had never seen anyone naked before without them being ashamed about it. I was impressed by the way a woman's legs lay open; the way the tendon of the inner thigh shows itself when the knees are bent & the thighs are spread was an intoxicating sight.

I found it difficult to conceive of an erection disappearing up inside a pussy. I think back & realize I couldn't wrap my head around it. But what I could wrap my head around was fellatio. The mouth opens & a cock goes in & it makes sense - it was just like food.

A woman looked so entirely beautiful sucking cock - I was enchanted.

It was around this time that I saw my first homosexual photograph - I was instantly nauseous & nearly vomited. It was still many years before anything homoerotic was appealing.

But I loved those cocksucking women, & over the years I started to perversely identify with the beauty & power that a cocksucking woman had. I grew up so unpopular & felt so unattractive that I developed this weird longing to be as glamourous & wanted & attended-to as one of these goddesses.

(tonight I'm using the word *cock* almost exclusively - makes for repetitive reading, but it was the word that turned me on then & still does now)

I can still remember the first porn I saw that inspired me to wish I was the woman with the cock in her mouth. So shameful, but so indulgent. I wanted to know what cock tasted like, what hot cock felt like on my tongue & sliding between my lips.

Around then cumshots stopped grossing me out. I stopped cumming into a tissue & started spraying on my stomach (something I still love to do).

THEN I saw my first facial (this was the early 90s). After that, every time I masturbated I fantasized about using a finger to swab the cum onto my tongue, but even when I made it really easy on myself by cumming a milky pool in the palm of my hand, the post-orgasm shift back into reality from the fantasy brought me out of my cum-hungry trance & the thought of eating cum became shameful & gross again.

That was when I started taking advantage of my still-nubile body. One day when I was home alone I shimmied my shoulders down to the middle of my bed & threw my legs up over my head, placing my feet on the headboard, emulating the aerobic *snowplow* position from public school gym class.

MY COCK STARED RIGHT AT ME. It was hard & purple & had a drip of precum on it. I didn't even know the term *precum*. I used my finger to taste it. Nearly as sweet as honey! Fuck, was I hungry for a cumshot now!

I stroked it. That first time, I chickened out. I had had my mouth open, I was so horny my tongue was sticking out as far as it could go (probably an inch & a half past my lips, less than an inch away from the goods - I could feel the heat coming off my cockhead!). The orgasm that approached felt very different from the thousands of others that had preceded it - it felt really unnatural, like it was bad, like my body was trying to NOT orgasm - but my hand & my cock had different ideas. My tongue retreated & my mouth closed & I blasted my load all over my face.

And without the horniness to back up what should have been the inherent eroticism of a warm gooey facial, I was more ashamed than I'd ever been in my entire life, before or since. I'm sure I continued to blush for a solid 15 minutes after I'd wiped & washed away every trace of jizz.

But I was addicted to how hypnotizing it was watching my cock swell to seemingly gigantic proportions & get glossy-smooth as orgasm approached. I did a lot of pre- & post-masturbation stretches cuz I didn't want to fuck up my back. I get back pain now sometimes if my posture isn't right, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I dared myself to keep my mouth open for the money. How could I be a cocksucking goddess one day if I couldn't eat my own cum? When orgasm approached I was keenly aware of every muscle contraction, of the tightness of my scrotum, of how each blast of cum shot up the shaft of my cock in slow motion. My eyes were shut tight; I was even wincing from the grossfactor as every drop drizzled into my painfully wide-open trap.

The goo felt alien - there was no texture like it. The taste was unremarkable. But I got used to the idea of a mouthful of splooge.

Then I swallowed. The aftertaste was exactly like a friend had described - raw potatoes. My next few breaths choked me, just like when you eat a liquid that is oversaturated with sugar. I grew accustomed to the taste. I still felt a lot of shame, but in the moment of horniness I couldn't help myself.

Like all twenty-somethings, I was jerking it almost daily. I'd lost my virginity a few years before & was getting laid several times a week. With regular pussy around, fantasizing about women became mundane, moot. When I touched myself, I thought of cock.

One day in my early/mid twenties, in a fit of uncontrollable lust, the tip of my tongue licked my pee-hole (I call it by the name *cum-hole* now, but this was then). The texture of my tongue tickled the inside of my urethra. When I licked around the head, it didn't feel all that great, so I added massive amounts of saliva - & holy fuck, what a sensation!

I pulled painfully on the skin of my cock so I could get the super-sensitive wrinkly underside within reach of my wagging tongue. A mere 30 seconds of contact & I was jisming all over my bottom teeth & lower lip.

That day was the first time I felt no shame. The feedback loop of the feel of my tongue on my cock & the feel of my cock on my tongue overrode everything else. I'd become a my-dick addict.

My back was getting more broken-in. After more time, when my tongue writhed around my cockhead, I covered a lot of surface-area with spit. When I crossed my eyes to watch my tongue in action (which was often), my top lip started to get in the way & I couldn't see my entire cock. Being the voyeur that I am, I needed to see my whole cock like always. I got the hand-held mirror from the bathroom & set it beside my head & watched myself give myself a lickjob. When the cum flowed, it was like I was watching my very own porn. I was close to being the goddess I wanted to be.

Another week had gone by when I realized that my cockhead almost touched my lips. I loved the tonguejob, but what would my lips feel like? When I pursed my lips I could kiss it. In the mirror I watched as the string of precum connected my urethra to my lips. HOT!!!

I'd recently eaten a gf's creampie, something she'd also done in a threesome, & she mentioned how entirely different cum tastes when it's fresh from the source. She said something happens to the flavour of semen when it makes contact with air.

I decided to forego the lickjob & kept kissing my pee-hole. I pumped my shaft with my fist. It didn't feel anywhere near as good as tongue, but I was determined. My index finger kept bouncing off my nose - it smelled like my musk, the first time that scent turned me on, & it sent me over the edge. I could feel how my pee-hole spread when the cum flowed through it in spurts. My gf had been absolutely right - cum from the source was the ultimate hedonistic experience as far as I was concerned. I swallowed. Wow.

Then I took a breathe, & the coating of cum in my throat again gagged me with the taste like raw potatoes. I had to run & drink something to wash it down.

I don't know why I stopped sucking my own cock. I didn't beef up for several more years. But before I gave it up, I did end up acquiring the flex to get the entire head of my cock past my lips. There is NO feeling on earth like it.

I swear to you, I would give up a limb to be able to reach my cock with my mouth. The feeling of giving yourself head is as addictive as any drug.

In my later sexual years I longed for the snowball, but all my gfs loved the taste of cum so much they'd never save me any.

It's possible I miss autofellatio so much because I've been lonely for so long & I am misplacing my emotional needs. *sigh* Maturity has it's drawbacks.

Writer's Block: One of My Favourite Memories

2008-03-19T03:58:17Z

What is one of your favorite memories?

View 502 Answers

An ex-gf & I decided that I would explore my homosexual urges for the first time together. We went to Toronto, not knowing where the gay district was really, just knowing one street (it was either Church or St. Charles, two key Toronto gay district streets).

We couldn't find it. We walked & walked. We finally stopped for a beer at a pub & people-watched. Two gay men who had already been seated when we arrived suddenly started talking very loudly about what they look for in a lover. We were both still very full of fear when my then-gf asked them where a good place to see a band was, hoping they'd guide us to a gay bar that hosted bands.

Reverb. Horseshoe.

Duh.

(They weren't that glib - they were actually very friendly, but they weren't picking up what we were laying down - actually, now that I think about it, they probably DID pick up what we were laying down, but refused to play; as comfortable, out gay men I look back & I'm not at all surprised they required us to be specific about the kind of place we wanted to go. Duh.)

We walked more. We stopped somewhere else for a beer. I finally got the balls to quietly ask the waitress directions to the gay district.

Her response, in my ultra-paranoid estimation, was booming enough that nearly everyone in the place turned their heads to check out *the bi-curious guy*. I blushed furiously & secretly wished for lightning to strike her down. None came.

You'll find the gay bars two streets over & down a couple of sets of lights!

Off we went, very much in love & holding hands on the next stage of our adventure. We stopped in for a coffee & a snack at a shop near Wild Oscar's. I don't know what I expected, but I wasn't expecting to be completely ignored. *sigh* Off we went, walking up & down streets holding hands, no one looking at us twice.

Gf whispers in my ear.

They think we're straight cuz we're holding hands. Let's stop.

We released.

That was the key. I was checked out by many men. One nondescript blond guy walking with two other nondescript blond guys locked eyes with me & our heads turned as we passed. We both stopped. After a small moment, one in which you are painfully aware that things are either going to explode or diffuse, his friends grabbed him by the arm & dragged his ear-to-ear grin away.

Gf hid her shock well. I learned about it the next day. I learned about a LOT the next day. I'll get to that.

The sun set, we ate supper at a gay bistro (note that when I'm using the word *gay* as an adjective, I merely mean I am assuming they were gay owned-&-operated &/or gay-friendly), then we went gay pub-crawling.

The very first thing I noticed were the men drinking alone at the bar. There's a lot of lonely gay men out there, full of swallowed self-hatred. They sat, ignored & outnumbered by the comfortable-&-looking-to-hook-up men who were either mingling or dancing. I felt very sad at that moment & wanted to leave.

Another place. Same story.

Gf, a bit of a party girl, got us into a club with female impersonators/lip-sync *artists*. 99% the men there were having a good time. The obviously unhappy ones were the fag-hags who sat alone & ignored at the bar. We got our drinks.

I was swiftly approached by an extraordinarily beautiful, effeminate black man. He was muscular, a little shorter than me, & played with my long hair as he told me he loved how I looked like Jesus (truthfully, that's a common comment among new acquaintances of any orientation).

We were in the middle of small talk when he put his arms around me & kissed me out of the blue. Let me tell you, I was taken off guard. Stubble. Muscles. And one of the finest, softest, most sensuous french kisses I've ever had to this day. What an opposition of sensation!

I could feel his hard-on through his pants against me. I was way too scared & shocked by what I was experiencing to feel in any way excited.

Then he asked me several times if I could love him. I replied several times that I already loved someone. Not long after he left.

Gf noted how interesting it was that I'd just made out with a black man when she was noticeably half-black. I still have a fantasy fetish for black men based on that experience. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.

Gf noticed a very sad-looking, straight-looking young guy - very tall, very thin. He was talking to her about the love of his life, an older extremely effeminate gentleman who flirted with every one he saw, male & female. It hurt this young guy immensely, but he stayed because he loved him. It turned out he grew up in my hometown, just enough years behind me that we never met in school, but his older cousin was a very beautiful girl that I'd had a crush on (I didn't share that tidbit with him). Before he made the move to the metropolis so he could live the life he wanted, he had worked construction with some guys I grew up with.

Small world.

Later, the beautiful black man returned, just came up & made out with me. By then I'd processed & dealt. He steamed me up something fierce. We felt up each others arms & chests, we grinded our erections. Gf, too, found it extremely hot. Then she engaged him in conversation, with him talking very forwardly about how much he'd like to put himself up my ass.

That put the fear of God in me. At that point, anything more than two fingers hurt. He left for good this time.

Fast-forward to us arriving home here in Barrie. We of course talked the whole way, about both of our curiosities & turn-ons & fears. I especially mentioned my fear of anal pain.

When we got into bed she told me to trust her & she tied my hands to the bedpost. I will foreshadow now by saying I'm glad I was tied, otherwise I wouldn't have let her do to me what she did.

She got out the double-ended dildo I'd bought for her to use on the first woman she met who would help her explore her own gay-curiosity. She lubed it up, put one end inside her & the other inside me.

I had never felt such blinding pain. I had fantasized about the act, but I felt mortally wounded. Something so dreadfully bad was happening that I asked her to stop & wait for the pain to pass.

She pulled it out of me. After about 15 seconds she asked if I was ready. It still hurt so fucking much that I said no. Then she put it back in me & fucked me for more than 45 minutes.

Every second was agony. I was in a very long moment I hadn't consented to. I had never known that level of the need to stop. I never adjusted to it. It never let up.

But something happened. Along with the blinding pain was a strange, animal need for it to continue. Something shoving in & out of my asshole repeatedly & painfully was all-encompassing. I never got an erection, my face was frozen in a firmly held wince.

I moaned & whimpered like a little bitch, to tell the truth. I knew it. She knew it. I felt how her end of the dildo popped out part-way through, & with that there came a masculinity that radiated off her. I stole a single glance behind me &, although she was receiving no physical stimulation, her body language & the look on her face was one of rapture. Her sexual enjoyment was due purely to the psychological stimulation of raping me.

She would ask me if I'd had enough. I would hesitate before I said yes. And so she kept it up. She later explained that she was treating me like men had treated her. That information hadn't begun my intense dislike of straight culture, but it certainly amplified it.

Finally & without warning she simulated a man's multiple power-thrusting that signifies orgasm. I had no idea that pain could get worse.

And then it was over. We laid there, we didn't say much. She asked me how I liked it & I didn't have the words to describe it. But the peaceful post-coitus time was as addictive as the pain had been.

Before I describe what happened the following morning, I must interject. That gf ADORED being unexpectedly confronted with a hard-on. She claimed several times that she didn't wake up with a cock non-consensually inside her often enough, a desire I tried to meet once or twice but didn't really enjoy. She was a sensualist who craved power dynamic, whereas I was a sensualist who craved, at the time, equality. I couldn't force myself on her.

But that following morning we woke up together & I rolled over onto her. There was a look on her face that I only see in my memory - I didn't see it at the time. I mean, I obviously did, but it didn't register. It wasn't fear, but it was a confusion, a what-the-fuck-are-you-doing?

She consented & it was probably the most unenjoyable sex I've had with anyone.

When I was done (note the pronoun) she thought for a long time about what she said next.

I didn't want to have sex just then. I've been going over in my mind what just happened & I forgive you, because, after what you went through last night at the bar & in bed, I understand how you feel your manhood was compromised. I think I didn't fight you because I could sense how much you needed to feel like the old you that you have left behind, but I only just figured it out.

Such a wise wise woman. I will always love & respect her, though there are times when I resent her as well.

The weekend I just related was the beginning of the end for us. She hated the fact that her bf was part gay. She called me gay to my face several times, demanding I admit it. It wasn't until she called me last autumn (something like 8 years later) to sleep with her & her husband (yes, longtime readers, THIS was HER) that I learned how much she still loved & respected me.

That masculinity I mentioned that emanated from her? It had scared the hell out of her. She spent years trying to accept it, & the first thing she had to do to deal was push me away.

Our paths are long & winding & full of twists we can't expect let alone prepare for. What I have just related is a definitive moment in my life, both as a sexual being & as a loving one.